May 26th, 2013

Zexion stupid and wrong

Just a bit about how I'm feeling at the moment

I get scared when I'm faced with the future.
It scares me so much I want to curl up in a corner and cry.
I don't dare reach out for help.
I don't want to seem weak.

I've been told that I exude strength.
If only they knew how fragile I am.
I'm always running away from my problems.
I'm always turning a blind eye to what needs to be done.

I'm pathetic in the worst of ways.
I act like a victim and do nothing to rectify the situation.
I act like the world is my playground and get upset when nobody wants to play.
I want to be treated like a mature person, but then I want to shove the responsibilities that come with that title onto somebody else.

Sink or swim.
Why is it always sink or swim?
I don't need to have my hand held the entire time, but a little guidance wouldn't hurt.
If only I had the courage to ask for it.
Instead, I'm sitting here with unshed tears just waiting to fall, dreading what the future will bring.
I could probably do it myself if I could get some direction.
I don't want to do it myself... not by myself anyway...
Any chance I could get a little help?
I know you care.
You say that you love me.
I know you do.
I'm so scared to ask for your help, though.
I'm scared you'll give me that look again.
That look that says you're disappointed in me.
That look that says I should know how to do these things by now.
That look that says you're tired of having to show me how to do things.
That look that says I should try standing on my own two legs for once instead of clinging to you end everyone else as a crutch.

Yeah, I'm scared.
I get scared a lot.
Sometimes I get so scared that I lie awake in bed at night, crying softly because of how lost I am.
I can't let anyone see how rattled I get when I think about these things.
I have to be strong.
I have to be that indomitable force that helps others find their light.
I have to stand my ground and tough through my troubles without letting them see me flinch.

I'm tired of being strong.
I'm tired of trying to be all grown up.
I've been fighting like this for so long.
It's getting tougher and tougher to but on a brave face and keep smiling.
I blame my circumstances, my family, anything and everything but myself.
It's me that's holding myself back.
It's because I'm too proud and too stubborn to ask for help.
It's because I want to prove that I can do all these things, but I just don't know how.
It's because even when I know there's something I can do about it, I'm just too lazy to get up and do it.
It's because I'm weak.
In body.
In mind.
In spirit.
In heart.

Be an adult...
Be more mature...
Be smarter...
Be more successful...

I've always tried to be these things.

I always got praised for it, too.

Maybe that's why I put off being childish for so long.

I was always scolded for being childish.

A good child acted like an adult.

I always wanted to be a good child.

I always wanted to be praised by those around me.

I've been trying to stand on my own for such a long time just to be acknowledged for something.

Things are becoming more complicated now.

It's more than just making good grades anymore.

This whole social thing...
I put it off for so long.
For the longest time, I denied myself the experience of having friends and a social life.
We've been poor for so long.
I could never have friends over when I was young because we had a hard enough time feeding ourselves...
Of course, I wasn't told this until much later.
At the time I was told it was all about our parents meeting before I could go play with someone.
Well, since I couldn't figure out how to get our parents to meet, I just decided that I could live without friends.
I think... high school was where I made my first friend.
I don't think my next door neighbor's granddaughter really ever counted.

My grades at the start were great...
And then I started making friends with people.
People who didn't care how poor I was.
Who still don't care today.
We're friends because we've found something to care about in one another.
That's when the tide began to turn.
That's when it didn't matter so much if I got perfect grades.
My friends didn't care.
They only cared that I was me.

This whole job market thing is tough.
Again with the sink or swim thing.
It's like being left out in the woods with only a tent.
Sure, I could sit in my tent and wait to be rescued, but eventually I'll starve unless I learn to hunt and provide for myself.
I don't have the necessary skills, though.
Sometimes I don't even think I have a tent anymore.

It's always time, money, money, time, money, things, money, and more time.
I think I would try harder if I were more encouraged.
It all seems like a wasted effort if I keep failing and never get acknowledged for having even tried.