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I get scared when I'm faced with the future.
It scares me so much I want to curl up in a corner and cry.
I don't dare reach out for help.
I don't want to seem weak.

I've been told that I exude strength.
If only they knew how fragile I am.
I'm always running away from my problems.
I'm always turning a blind eye to what needs to be done.

I'm pathetic in the worst of ways.
I act like a victim and do nothing to rectify the situation.
I act like the world is my playground and get upset when nobody wants to play.
I want to be treated like a mature person, but then I want to shove the responsibilities that come with that title onto somebody else.

Sink or swim.
Why is it always sink or swim?
I don't need to have my hand held the entire time, but a little guidance wouldn't hurt.
If only I had the courage to ask for it.
Instead, I'm sitting here with unshed tears just waiting to fall, dreading what the future will bring.
I could probably do it myself if I could get some direction.
I don't want to do it myself... not by myself anyway...
Any chance I could get a little help?
I know you care.
You say that you love me.
I know you do.
I'm so scared to ask for your help, though.
I'm scared you'll give me that look again.
That look that says you're disappointed in me.
That look that says I should know how to do these things by now.
That look that says you're tired of having to show me how to do things.
That look that says I should try standing on my own two legs for once instead of clinging to you end everyone else as a crutch.

Yeah, I'm scared.
I get scared a lot.
Sometimes I get so scared that I lie awake in bed at night, crying softly because of how lost I am.
I can't let anyone see how rattled I get when I think about these things.
I have to be strong.
I have to be that indomitable force that helps others find their light.
I have to stand my ground and tough through my troubles without letting them see me flinch.

I'm tired of being strong.
I'm tired of trying to be all grown up.
I've been fighting like this for so long.
It's getting tougher and tougher to but on a brave face and keep smiling.
I blame my circumstances, my family, anything and everything but myself.
It's me that's holding myself back.
It's because I'm too proud and too stubborn to ask for help.
It's because I want to prove that I can do all these things, but I just don't know how.
It's because even when I know there's something I can do about it, I'm just too lazy to get up and do it.
It's because I'm weak.
In body.
In mind.
In spirit.
In heart.

Be an adult...
Be more mature...
Be smarter...
Be more successful...

I've always tried to be these things.

I always got praised for it, too.

Maybe that's why I put off being childish for so long.

I was always scolded for being childish.

A good child acted like an adult.

I always wanted to be a good child.

I always wanted to be praised by those around me.

I've been trying to stand on my own for such a long time just to be acknowledged for something.

Things are becoming more complicated now.

It's more than just making good grades anymore.

This whole social thing...
I put it off for so long.
For the longest time, I denied myself the experience of having friends and a social life.
We've been poor for so long.
I could never have friends over when I was young because we had a hard enough time feeding ourselves...
Of course, I wasn't told this until much later.
At the time I was told it was all about our parents meeting before I could go play with someone.
Well, since I couldn't figure out how to get our parents to meet, I just decided that I could live without friends.
I think... high school was where I made my first friend.
I don't think my next door neighbor's granddaughter really ever counted.

College...
My grades at the start were great...
And then I started making friends with people.
People who didn't care how poor I was.
Who still don't care today.
We're friends because we've found something to care about in one another.
That's when the tide began to turn.
That's when it didn't matter so much if I got perfect grades.
My friends didn't care.
They only cared that I was me.

This whole job market thing is tough.
Again with the sink or swim thing.
It's like being left out in the woods with only a tent.
Sure, I could sit in my tent and wait to be rescued, but eventually I'll starve unless I learn to hunt and provide for myself.
I don't have the necessary skills, though.
Sometimes I don't even think I have a tent anymore.

It's always time, money, money, time, money, things, money, and more time.
I think I would try harder if I were more encouraged.
It all seems like a wasted effort if I keep failing and never get acknowledged for having even tried.

Please tell me...

Since when has it been okay for me to stand on my own? Or has it been this way from the start?

This love/hate relationship needs to stabilize. The revolving door must come to a stop.

You encourage me to reach for the stars. You drag me back down to Earth.

You will always be there to support me. I have to figure things out on my own.

Your interest in me is fleeting. You watch me like a hawk.

The signal is scrambled. Communication has been lost.

You are right beside me. You are a thousand miles away.

I try to reach out. I cower in fear.

The happy medium died with me that day.

The unshed tears are dammed up behind an out-of-date eyeglass prescription. Can you see them beyond the mask of childish joy?

The nest is made of poisonous thorns, but it's the only home I know.

It's hard to fly with a broken wing.

Your shadow grows ever taller. I fear I may never escape it.

The prince demands obedience. His wish is my command.

His throne rises now in harmony with your shadow.

My world is encompassed in darkness.

It crumbles around me.

The candles of hope extend waxy fingers toward me in the depths of the despairing ocean.

I cannot reach the light.

The power you wield is far too great.

It smothers me and snuffs out the candles.

The light vanishes.

Darkness enshrouds me once again.

A six should never approach a ten. The eights and nines would surely turn it into a four.

No, the six should go play with the fours and hope that a seven takes pity on it.

The misers require a servant.

A light appears in the distance.

The race is on.

Those who stumble on the starting blocks never receive a medal.

The light vanishes once more.

Is it possible the pit has turned into a cavern?

Perhaps I shall make this my new home.

The walls are dank. The air is filled with the sins of a thousand lifetimes.

The coins at the bottom of this wishing well are not mine to take.

The bucket descends. The glittering wishing coins leap into it, out of my grasp.

The prince draws the bucket to the sky.

I am in the void once more.

The abyss has become familiar to me.

You shove me out into the light.

The brightness frightens me.

I cannot see.

Am I following the correct path?

I cannot feel your presence.

I have been thrust into a foreign land without a map or a dictionary.

The strategy guide for this dungeon is missing some pages.

I'm running out of lives.

The wishing well is no more. It has been replaced with a MegaMart.

Are you an angel or a dragon? I cannot tell from your shadow.

It looms over me and ensnares me.

I doubt my identity, so wrapped up in yours.

Your loving embrace is crushing me, yet you have left me alone to die.

A gesture of kindness puts a band-aid on my wounded spirit, but those plastic ones don't last very long.

I'm living on a dead-end street. It's fitting in more ways than you know.

Well, this is interesting

I seem to have somehow found myself president of the Creative Writing Club.

Can you say what the fuck?!

Seriously, I don't know how I landed such a position.

Oh, wait, yes I do.

It started last week when the previous club president asked me to fill in for them at an Inter-Club Council meeting. Our vice-president at the time had been able to attend and hadn't been regularly attending our own club meetings. The next day, before our club meeting, I was asked if I would like to be vice president instead since the one we had wasn't being very reliable and I had expressed interest in being vice president at the beginning of the semester when we were electing a vice president. I said sure and we all agreed that I would be vice president after the club meeting.

Well, last weekend shit kinda hit the fan. I'm not going to go into the details suffice to say the school's administration are a bunch of assholes. Things happened, people may be getting sued, and this past week I was elected to be club president starting pretty much immediately. Our previous club president is going back to their old school for a few semesters, but may return in the future.

This is seriously a big thing for me. I've never been president of anything before. I've never even been an officer for anything before! Now I'm president of a club that was just founded this semester! Talk about a lot of responsibility!

That being said, I'm excited. I get to be a leader for once. Like, an actual leader. I get to make decisions. This has never happened to me before. I think I'm ready, though. I just need to have some confidence in myself.

Wow, it's been a while...

No, seriously, it's been a while since I've posted anything here.

I guess that's because I've been busy with school and life.

Speaking of which, something funny happened the other day.

When I got to school, my hair was a mess because I'd left my scrunchie at home and drove with the windows down. I asked my friend if I could borrow her hairbrush. After brushing my hair, she holds it up with a horrified expression. There were a lot of long red hairs trailing from the brush... my hairs. She looks at me and says, "What are you, a cat?!"

The other people we were sitting with marveled at the brush. Then this one guy who was sitting with us flings the brush onto the table with a yelp and says, "One of them wrapped around my wrist!" Everyone kinda looked at the brush with creeped out expressions, and I couldn't help but laugh. My friend tells me to clean out her brush, and so I do.

I rolled the loose hair into a ball and set it on the table. Everyone else starts freaking out at this point saying they saw it move after I put it down. At this point I'm nearly falling out of my seat with laughter. They're all freaking out, saying they've never seen anything like it before. I tell them that shedding like that is normal for me and that I have dozens of hair wads just like that in my bedroom from when I clean out my own hairbrush.

At this point one of them gets up and leaves, terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought, and the others just stare on in horror. I pick it up by one of the longer strands trailing off from it and a couple of them yelp. Then I start laughing and drop it, causing the rest of them to shout as it disappears under the table onto the floor. My friend who let me borrow her brush crushes the hair ball under her boot several times saying, "Die die die die die die DIE!!!" Then she looks at me and says, "You know this means I'm never coming over to your house, right? Just that one scared the shit out of me, and you said there's MORE?!"

Bad things and good things

Today has been a day of mixed feelings.

First, the bad things.

~I was woken up by my dogs ten minutes before my alarm clock was set to go off
~My aunt ate the doughnut I was going to have for breakfast (the fat cow)
~I forgot my flash drive at home when I went to class today
~My current project in my drawing class is boring me to tears
~I'm having problems re-applying to the college so I can earn my BAS
~Pork for dinner (it's one of those meats that doesn't agree with me)

Now, the good things!

~I found a shirt I'd been trying to find
~My grandma made sweet potato fries
~I got a crash course in how to navigate the Library of Congress
~I'm joining the Philosophy Club
~I'm seeing Sweeny Todd tomorrow LIVE at another local college
~I'm having a girls' day out with some friends this weekend

I loathe humans

Who is the biggest bully in your life? One response chosen at random will win an Amazon Kindle. [contest details] (sponsored by )
Ignore that bit about Writer's Block. Apparently that was the last thing I'd been doing when I wanted to post.



Yes, it's been forever and a week since I've posted anything, but I think it's about time for an update.

I've gotten my Associate's Degree.
My mom is in the Honors Society.
I'm still poor.
I got my full Driver's License, not just my permit.
I'm still taking college classes.
I had family over for Giftmas.

I think that's about everything... oh yeah, and I went to YaoiCon and bought SO~ MUCH PORN!!!

Now, onto the real reason I'm writing in my journal. I loathe people. Specifically, I loathe the newbies on the forum site I've frequented to over a year now. The site just turned a year old back in September, and I joined in November of its first year.

For those of you who don't know which site I'm talking about, it's http://trisphee.com and it's awesome. If you sign up, put Reyoki as the one who referred you.

Now, you probably want to know why I loathe these people. Well, there are a number of reasons.

The little buggers act like they own the place. I don't get any respect from them, and I've been a member of the site for, like I said, over a year. This gives me seniority over a vast majority of the other users. Yet, the newbies treat me like an idiot. The only way I get any respect is to flaunt my knowledge of the site's items, and even that is losing its effectiveness.

They also have excruciatingly impressive inventories even though some of them are only about a week old. One of the newbies I met has a very old, limited edition item for which I had quested for MONTHS and never been able to get. She has one because she flaunted her real-world money. It wouldn't have been so insulting if I hadn't "adopted" that newbie and given her a number of items as a care package.

They also won't shut the fuck up. I know it's a forum site and you're meant to socialize, but it's getting to the point to where it's ridiculous. It's the same five people having about twelve different conversations in about eight different places on the site. Why the hell don't they just pick a thread and stay there? With all the site currency they've been gaining from all the senseless yammering they've been doing, it's no wonder the marketplace's prices have gone through the proverbial roof.

When I was a newbie, I scraped and struggled to earn site currency and put together decent looks for my avatar. The newbies now are having everything handed to them.

Most of the users that were around when I joined have either gone on hiatus or just quit altogether. It's like going back to a school you used to attend. You may see a couple familiar faces among the faculty, but everyone else is a snot-nosed brat who wants everything handed to them on a silver platter.

Random Ponderings

 Why don't parents keep their children on leashes? Not only would it keep the little buggers from running off, it would also make going to public restrooms much easier for the parent/child combo. Think about it for a moment. The leash would keep the child from getting too far from the parent, and has the potential to keep the child safe from harm by restraining the child from running into the road, keeping the child within viewing distance of the parent, and forcing the child to CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!

Why are there not cell phone laws in all states? In California, it's illegal to operate a vehicle and use a cell phone at the same time. When I was over there with LBC for Yaoicon last year, I found this change to be quite refreshing. The traffic was horrible, especially considering that it was Halloween weekend and we went through some heavy Downtown areas, but I can't recall seeing one auto accident the entire time we were there. I feel this is greatly due to the law forbidding simultaneous vehicle and cell phone usage.
 
How can I be expected to get a job when I have no experience? Employers always want some sort of experience on your application, but they never seem willing to hire someone for their first job in order to give them that experience. I can understand that from major companies and such, but what about the purely local businesses? A lot of them are either never hiring or hire only within the family of ownership, which is nepotism, and it is so effing wrong.

Why do we take so long to kill people in this country? The longer a person is on Death Row, the more money is used for the care of that person. How many people that have been on Death Row have honestly been completely brainwashed back into society? I say we give them no more than five years to live if their crime was so heinous to have earned them a spot on Death Row. Yes, mistrials happen, but would it really take more than five years to rectify such errors? We're very soft on our criminals. Sir Machiavelli would laugh so hard he'd be in tears if he could see what our "justice" system is today.

Good news and bad news


First, the good news; I just finished my last final exam of the semester!

Now, the bad news.
  • I'm still sick
  • Paypal is stupid
  • I think my sickness is getting worse
  • Paypal is dumber than fuck
  • I won't be getting my book order from BAM until I get paid this weekend
  • Paypal is more stupid than a stoner after a 10lb. bag of weed
Why did I put down Paypal three times? Here's why.

I made an order at booksamillion.com and paid using Paypal. The order consisted of one title that had already been released and three advance order titles. The already released title came within a week of the order, which is what I'd expected. Well, one of the advance order titles was supposed to arrive last week... it never did. Yesterday, I got an email saying that BAM was having trouble accessing my credit card. Now, here's where it starts getting interesting... and frustrating. I checked Paypal for my transaction history. When I glanced briefly over my records, everything seemed fine... until I checked ALL the details. As it turns out, Paypal had billed my card for only the amount of the already released title. The amount for the advance order titles hadn't been taken from my card yet. This is now a problem. I've spent the last two months thinking that I'd been billed for the entire order amount when, actually, it was only PART of my order! Why the FUCK would they not charge me for my ENTIRE ORDER when the transaction was initially made?!?!

*insert groan of exhaustion here*

I feel like pure and utter shite right now. Would you like to know why? I'll bet you want to know why. Well, here's why; my mother.

Last week, my mom and dad BOTH took a week of vacation! Normally, this is no big deal; it would simply mean that I couldn't read dirty fanfictions for a week. Well, last week for me was pure HELL!

On Monday, I was on campus from 7:30 AM to 10:00 PM.
On Tuesday, my mom insisted we all (her, me, dad, and brother) go to Weeki Wachee Springs. WWS is a state park, and we have family passes.
On Wednesday, I was on campus from 7:30AM to 4:30PM.
On Thursday, my mom made me choose where we went... I chose a zoo that's about an hour's drive from home, instead of one of the tourist-y places she would've chosen.... We left the house at 7 AM so we could go eat breakfast at this restaurant my dad likes, and we didn't get back home until 7:30 in the evening.
On Friday, we were going to see the shuttle launch. We left the house at 5 AM and went over to the Atlantic Coast. We stayed there for a while in the sun, surf, sand, and wind, and then when my parents were napping in the car the shuttle launch was scrapped. We left the beach at about 5:30 and got home a couple hours later.
On Saturday, I FINALLY got to sleep in! In the afternoon I had a movie date with LBC and had dinner with her and her sister. Saturday was good.
On Sunday, I lazed around in bed for most of the day. My mom sent my brother to check up on me because apparently my dad caught a nasty bug while we were at the beach.

Now, it's Monday. I'm sitting in the Student Center at school, posting here, and I feel like death warmed over. My throat is sore, I get short of breath and a killer headache if I talk for more than a minute or so, I ache all over, and I'm pretty sure I have a fever. I got my Public Speaking professor to let me take my final on Wednesday instead of today. I have to come early on Wednesday because my French professor forgot my textbook. I have my Sociology final on Wednesday afternoon.

For right now, though, I want to curl up under my fuzzy orange blanket and pass out. I'm running on fumes, and I don't know if I'm going to make it to my Drawing & Composition class tonight... not that I need to attend class tonight. Tonight is a make-up night, and I'm already caught up in my work.

I think I'm sick mostly from my mom dragging me all over creation last week and not letting me rest at all. My feet are swollen and sore from all the walking, too. I can't not go, though. If I don't go along with her every whim, she confronts me about it and says that I don't like her anymore..... which is complete BULLSHIT!!! I LOVE my mom! I just don't want to spend ALL my free time... without any free time! I like to RELAX when I have the time! For the past two months now, she's been dragging us off every weekend to go to the beach and to State Parks. I tend to get sick when I spend a few hours at the beach. Going to the beach almost every weekend for two months has finally taken its toll on me, and now I'm sicker than I've been in almost four years! Ugh, I feel like I'm going to DIE!!! I'm even starting to feel feverish behind my eyeballs, which is a really bad thing.


TLDR;
I'm sick, and I'm pretty sure it's my mom's fault.

I'm going to end this post now so that I can stop thinking. Thinking is making my headache worse, and it's starting to make me dizzy.

Writer's Block: A cinematic extravaganza

If a movie was made of your life, what actor would you want to play the lead? What about the romantic interest?

I would want Sandra Bullock to play me, Stuart Townsend as my love interest, and Alan Rickman as my dad! Sandra Bullock is a decent actress, and Stuart Townsend is hot, hot hot hot HOT!!! I would have to have Alan Rickman as my dad because, well... it's Alan fucking Rickman!!! The man is made of deadpan snarky AWESOMENESS!!!

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